BERNING QUESTION

Okay. I have serious fucking doubts as to whether this adorable little newborn kitten was alive at all when these people started shooting this movie. Do its eyes open even once? Do we ever get a clear shot? Because I've totally seen live things that do that. (Open their eyes, not get clear shots.)

There — look how the woman's hand nods the kitten's head limply up and down, then carefully props it up and waits for gravity take it to the ground in a vaguely "falling asleep"-like fashion. I suspect there is some serious Weekend and Bernie's style shit going on.

Hey, you guys, come on out to my island beachouse this weekend! You can find me dead then haul my corpse around for two days making me act like I'm alive because you think that people will think you killed me and call the police! Then we can go hunting for treasure five years later on the Virgin Islands and you'll turn me into a zombie! The Washington Post will hate my antics but I'll still make $12.7-million! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weekend_at_Bernie%27s_II!

That was, like, the dead kitten talking.

FURBALLS TO THE WALL

Hey, did you feel, like ... gravity change in between the times of 10 p.m. and 10:01 p.m. ET Monday night? Well, that was this fucking guy. This kitten here can bend space and time with its mind if it concentrates really hard, and spent over three-quarters of a minute last night demonstrating this incredible, unfathomable ability.

Didn't even know what was going on. Did not fucking understand. Totally just a kitten; thinks it's having a dream. Hey, where are the giant balls of yarn and laser pointers or whatever else kind of shit I like? I want beef jerky!

Only when he finally collapses, exhausted, into a dazed and pitiful crumpled heap in front of his sniggering master do things mercifully return to normal. Damages worldwide total in the hundreds of trillions of dollars. More lives lost than a thousand World War One re-enactment troops who travel back in time to fight the original cast of World War One.

That's right. Five. People.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY

Bobby's ketamine addiction was getting out of hand.

He tried it for the first time two months ago when when a friend brought it to some rave club in Brixton Hill and it really freaked him out. But the next weekend came and he did it again. It was better. Then there was a party on the Wednesday. And the Friday after that. Soon, parties every day. There were glow sticks. Then oversized sunglasses, neon American Apparel hoodies and gold-lamé stretch pants. Nights that never ended. It was the best. And now, what was it? Tuesday? And here Bobby is, waking up naked in a field, wondering what time it was and why he wasn't at the club with Brit and Jayda anymore and, hey, where the fuck are his gold pants while some dude films his death for an internet snuff film.

What a waste. (Bobby was being raised for food.)

DYING HAMSTER

Jesus shit, this hamster's got problems. Kind of freaking me out. Should we make sure he's okay? I'm going to ask if he's okay. — HEY! (tap tap tap) HEY HAMSTER! You having fun, there, little guy? All rocking back and forth in the corner of your featureless plastic cell? Alternating between spasming creepily and trying to chew your own feet off? Okay, I'll let you get back to it! Ha ha! Yeah! Talk to you later! — Yeesh. What a fucking mess. If it's any consolation, you can totally see the bliss in his eyes when he finally manages to reach his own dink and asphyxiate himself with it. A "full release," as they say in the massage industry. And who doesn't love a happy ending?

DYING PUPPY 20

"... Hey. HEY!! Wha are YOU lookin at? HUHN?? YEah, I'm fuckin' DRUNK! I'm a PUPPY and I'M DRUNK off my ass. is that OKAYYY?? No??? WELL, TOO BAD dicks because it's fuhhhckin' HAPPENING!! AHAHAHAHAHA!! Ahh. ... ANYhow, thanks for, leavin that bottle of Blue Curacao unattended on the floor of the (burp) ... garage. Whaaaa?? That was ANNIFREEZE??? OH shit dude that fuckin SUUUUUUUCKSSSSSSSSSS...."

DYING KITTEN 22

"Dying Kitten 22" is so fucking bored of hanging out with you lame assholes on this cold, tiled kitchen floor, that it's actually willing itself to die with its mind. Among kittens, this is known as "mewicide."

DYING ELEPHANT

This baby elephant never knew his father, and that took him down a dark road at a very young age. Here, he seem him at three weeks, overdosing on — quite literally — enough heroin to kill an elephant. (He was going through a Doors thing at the time.) Though admittedly the little scamp does manage to toddle off at the end of this video, rest assured that it is to die.

Note that his mother does not care.