DYING HAMSTER

Jesus shit, this hamster's got problems. Kind of freaking me out. Should we make sure he's okay? I'm going to ask if he's okay. — HEY! (tap tap tap) HEY HAMSTER! You having fun, there, little guy? All rocking back and forth in the corner of your featureless plastic cell? Alternating between spasming creepily and trying to chew your own feet off? Okay, I'll let you get back to it! Ha ha! Yeah! Talk to you later! — Yeesh. What a fucking mess. If it's any consolation, you can totally see the bliss in his eyes when he finally manages to reach his own dink and asphyxiate himself with it. A "full release," as they say in the massage industry. And who doesn't love a happy ending?

DYING PUPPY 20

"... Hey. HEY!! Wha are YOU lookin at? HUHN?? YEah, I'm fuckin' DRUNK! I'm a PUPPY and I'M DRUNK off my ass. is that OKAYYY?? No??? WELL, TOO BAD dicks because it's fuhhhckin' HAPPENING!! AHAHAHAHAHA!! Ahh. ... ANYhow, thanks for, leavin that bottle of Blue Curacao unattended on the floor of the (burp) ... garage. Whaaaa?? That was ANNIFREEZE??? OH shit dude that fuckin SUUUUUUUCKSSSSSSSSSS...."

DYING KITTEN 22

"Dying Kitten 22" is so fucking bored of hanging out with you lame assholes on this cold, tiled kitchen floor, that it's actually willing itself to die with its mind. Among kittens, this is known as "mewicide."

DYING ELEPHANT

This baby elephant never knew his father, and that took him down a dark road at a very young age. Here, he seem him at three weeks, overdosing on — quite literally — enough heroin to kill an elephant. (He was going through a Doors thing at the time.) Though admittedly the little scamp does manage to toddle off at the end of this video, rest assured that it is to die.

Note that his mother does not care.

DYING BUNNY 2

Look, "Dying Bunny 2" knows you hate him, alright? He's well aware of the fact that the only people who actually give a fuck about rabbits are women who wear pyjamas they bought at the Disney Store and obviously, they do not count as people. He's got all that. He didn't ask to share these 30 seconds with you. So it was the LEAST he could do to eat a bunch of sleeping pills from Mommy's purse just beforehand to keep this thing moving along. Thanks, "Dying Bunny 2." We appreciate it. Next time, just don't show up at all, okay?

DYING PARROT

"Oh yes, goodnight my adorable little winged reptilian freak creature! You're a million years old and your piercing dinosaur eyes are as black as coal — insectile, perhaps, except you're also really smart so you've probably thought a lot about how you could kill me. I mean, hey, you'd have had the time! Surely it would have crossed your mind at least once. Anyhow, you're dying now, gross bird. Bye!"