DYING HAMSTER

Jesus shit, this hamster's got problems. Kind of freaking me out. Should we make sure he's okay? I'm going to ask if he's okay. — HEY! (tap tap tap) HEY HAMSTER! You having fun, there, little guy? All rocking back and forth in the corner of your featureless plastic cell? Alternating between spasming creepily and trying to chew your own feet off? Okay, I'll let you get back to it! Ha ha! Yeah! Talk to you later! — Yeesh. What a fucking mess. If it's any consolation, you can totally see the bliss in his eyes when he finally manages to reach his own dink and asphyxiate himself with it. A "full release," as they say in the massage industry. And who doesn't love a happy ending?