FURBALLS TO THE WALL

Hey, did you feel, like ... gravity change in between the times of 10 p.m. and 10:01 p.m. ET Monday night? Well, that was this fucking guy. This kitten here can bend space and time with its mind if it concentrates really hard, and spent over three-quarters of a minute last night demonstrating this incredible, unfathomable ability.

Didn't even know what was going on. Did not fucking understand. Totally just a kitten; thinks it's having a dream. Hey, where are the giant balls of yarn and laser pointers or whatever else kind of shit I like? I want beef jerky!

Only when he finally collapses, exhausted, into a dazed and pitiful crumpled heap in front of his sniggering master do things mercifully return to normal. Damages worldwide total in the hundreds of trillions of dollars. More lives lost than a thousand World War One re-enactment troops who travel back in time to fight the original cast of World War One.

That's right. Five. People.